Oh Disney... What Hast Thou Done?

Have You Seen This Shit?

Is It Time For A Review?

Oh, absolutely.. let’s tear into this cinematic disaster-in-waiting, Disney’s Snow White 2025. This bad peyote trip stars Rachel Zegler and a budget so bloated it could choke a slutty dragon. Where do I even start? This thing’s a live-action remake so unnecessary it makes you wonder if Disney’s just tossing darts at a board of their old classics, yelling, “Remake it, but make it woke, and offensive to everyone but the main actress!”

First off, Rachel Zegler as Snow White—perfect casting if the goal was to pick someone brown, woke, and who’d spend the majority of her press tour whining, and here is the real kicker.. she's whining about how outdated the original Disney Classic is, like she’s doing us all a favor by gracing us with her unwanted bratty opinion, and her very presence. My desire to bring my kids to see her in another movie, sits somewhere between getting mule kicked in the testes, and stumbling into an orgy between the cast of ABC’s The View. I mean really people Snow White’s supposed to be caring, kind, and, you know, her skin was… white as snow 🫲 🧐 not a perpetually aggrieved light brown DEI activist who looks like she’d rather lecture the dwarfs on their constant microaggressions, than to sing happily with various furry woodland creatures. Her vibe screams “I’d fire the scriptwriter for not making me the only character,” and quite honestly, the trailers and press tour back that up. She’s out here bashing the Disney Kingdom original like she’s auditioning for a male role in the next spinoff of Game of Thrones, not a childrens fairy tale.

Then there’s the damned dwarfs, or whatever the hell those bad CGI remakes of Labyrinth characters are. They look like someone fed a 3D printer a bad batch of uncanny valley juice and hit “print,” then the cast of The Hills Have Eyes had their way with it, and 9 months later these 7 dwarves were birthed. Disney had a chance to cast actual little people, and give some well deserving actors a gig, but nah—they went with digital nightmare fuel gremlins that’d make Gollum gag. They’re so over-rendered they look like they escaped a bad PS2 cutscene, while pairing them with Zegler’s live-action smugness just screams psychedelic budget sinkhole.

The visuals? Oh, bless their hearts, they tried. It’s all so oversaturated and fake you’d think it was shot in a TikTok filter. The forest looks like a soundstage with too much green screen, the castle’s got all the charm of a Lego set left out in the rain, and don’t get me started on the animals—those photorealistic rodents are so lifeless they make The Lion King remake look like a nature doc.

And the music—ugh, the music. They’ve got new songs that sound like they were churned out by an AI fed a playlist of generic Broadway rejects. Bland, forgettable, and tacked on like a cheap accessory. The originals had heart; these just have Zegler belting like she’s mad at the mic.

Honestly, this whole thing reeks of Disney’s desperation to churn out another billion-dollar nostalgia grab while pandering so hard they alienate everyone. It’s not a movie—it’s a $200-million apology letter to people who didn’t ask for it. When it flops—and it will—they’ll blame the fans, not the fact they turned a timeless story into a preachy, CGI-drenched mess. Can’t wait to see it tank on March 21st while I rewatch the 1937 version that didn’t hate itself.

I hope it flops harder than pre ozempic Lizzo jumping off the YMCA high dive into a kiddie pool full of week old moldy rice pudding, with fucking raisins.